These thoughts have been running around in my head, so I’m sorry if it seems like I’m rambling in an unstructured way. There are some things I will never understand. If you had good reason to end relations with someone because of the pain, frustration, or unhappiness the person caused you, why would you try to go back to them? I suppose that maybe you ended it for the wrong reason and maybe you’re open to give them a second chance (or the benefit of the doubt). I tend to think if it ended, then maybe you should let it remain in the past. Do you need to learn a lesson more than once? But lots of people reach back to that ex, for reasons unknown to me.
What is it about the person that makes you gravitate back to them? Are you just tired of being by yourself, so tired that anybody is better than nobody? I don’t get it. It’s especially hard to grasp when it’s someone who is such a smart, self-less, kind, friend-oriented, spiritual, humorous, well-rounded, and a confident, good catch. But for some reason the person is drawn to someone whom they’ve had before – someone they know has given then less than the joy one would expect from a significant other. I have a good friend who I’d put into this category who recently told me about an ex they reached back to. If this friend had asked what I thought, I would have advised not to do it. But since my friend didn’t ask, I didn’t give any advice. Besides, who listens to advice? People’s minds are already made up anyway, so there’s no point in giving out advice.
So in my quest to understand it better, I did a little research. I researched public source documents, research literature, and professional scientific/mental health journals. I came across dozens of reasons why people have either stayed or returned to such relationships. The top three reasons are:
- They thought their partner would eventually change.
- They didn’t think they would ever find anybody better who would want them.
- Their partner was very kind and attentive when he or she wasn’t making them feel bad.
It has been my experience that: 1. People in this situation seldom change; 2. You can always find someone better who would want you; and 3. The good things they do are NEVER good enough to make up for the bad ways in which they have treated you. I’m not the type of person who gives unsolicited advice. I write things in my blog for all to see – and if someone were to ask me, I’d gladly tell them what I think, and I think it’s not usually a good idea to reach back to that ex. I hate to say “never” because there could be some isolated exceptions; however, you’re probably better off just being cordial to the person, maybe remaining platonic friends, and moving forward. I think you’ll be much happier and emotionally healthier that way.