I Want You But I Don’t Need You
Just because your heart tells you to love someone romantically doesn’t mean that they’re someone you ought to love in that way. It’s easy to allow our emotions to focus on someone, latch onto their soul, and feel convinced they’re the right one for us. Even if they don’t want you back, or even if they don’t treat you right, or even if they aren’t compatible, some of you (and me too) still want who you want. Unfortunately we don’t even realize how emotionally unhealthy that is. It’ll only satisfy us in the immediate short-term, but for the long-term, it’s like driving your car toward a brick wall. We need to seek out those who do any (or all) of the following:
- Overlooking – forgiving each other’s shortcomings and mistakes. Don’t use each other’s weaknesses as a manipulation tool.
- Doing good deeds for one another and then forget about them. Don’t keep bringing up what you did – what you gave – or how you helped each other. Just do it and keep it moving.
- Find creative ways to support and encourage one another. Sometimes when people face challenges and struggles, normal, everyday means of encouragement may not always be effective. Try new tools.
- Learn how to mentally, emotionally, and physically stimulate each other.
- Hold each other accountable. If someone is wrong, don’t just let it go. Tell them they’re wrong. Slap them (figuratively of course) and whip them into shape.
- Do fun things together. Travel, catch a movie, go bowling, enjoy a Broadway show together, playing Uno or Phase 10, or sitting at home watching some stupid, mindless television programming. Additionally, seek out ways to experience new firsts with each other (i.e., the first time either of you have been to Alaska is something you do together; you both had Greek food together for the first time; you both experience Sea World for the first time together). Doing firsts together is great bonding.
- Being a fan of one another’s life, career/job, and hobbies.
- Be free, be natural, and be yourself with each other. If you feel like you have to hide a part of yourself for fear the other person may poke fun at you or make you feel awkward because of it, take a second look at who you’re with.
- Never be afraid to communicate with candor, honesty, and authenticity.
- Take a road trip together – short or long – and if you drive for long segments in silence without saying a word, that’s okay; neither of you may even think it’s a problem, because you’re together. You can be silent and still feel connected.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I know it’s exciting to want someone whom you want because you want that person. If you didn’t figure it out already, when I write in my blog it’s usually based on a recent, personal experience. It’s my way of helping myself to grow, cope, move on, deal with stress, etc. This helps me more than my desire to help others — one of the few ways I am eternally selfish. I have recently gone through this, so I know what I’m talking about. I used to want someone that I wanted because I wanted that person, even if it wasn’t practical. A part of me still wants it, and I’d jump at the chance if the opportunity presented itself today, though I don’t need it. It’s a lot like coconut rum. You might want it — it may give you immediate pleasure — but it’s not something you need.
There isn’t much difference between love, lust, infatuation, crush, obsession. The lines between them aren’t always clear. Thinking with your mind and brain rather than your heart will clear it all up.
This song by Amanda Palmer, I Want You But I Don’t Need You, says it beautifully. The one phrase of this song clearly explains why we want someone who may not be right for us: “All I wanted was to be wanted.” But if it’s not with the right person, we’ll be worse off. Check out Amanda singing it. These lyrics illustrate my point.