Who Do You Love?

When you fall for someone who isn’t right for you – or if you fall for someone who doesn’t want you whether or not they’re the right person for you – it’s a hard pill to swallow. You’d think after they reject you, it would be as easy to reverse those feelings – as easy to reverse them as they seem to develop. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. In fact, not only do those feelings come easy, they also tend to sneak up on you and smack you in the head like a two-by-four, and those feelings hang around like acne. That’s especially true for me.

The quandary is, when the other person does reject you, declines your interest, she or he expects you to shove your feelings in a drawer as if they never existed. It ought to be as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love. As if.

I fell for someone (and by the way, I didn’t plan this particular blog posting the way in which I do most of them; so, it may appear to be all over the place with little to no organization. Forgive me if I ramble on. Just embrace the underlying message). I don’t want to be embarrassing to him, so rather than use his real name, I’ll just say DD.  I’m sure anybody who knows me well will be able to figure out who this person is, and I hope DD won’t feel too embarrassed if he ever reads this.

Anyhow, I digress. So, I fell for DD long before my birthday. DD is by far one of the most thoughtful, self-less, warm-hearted, friendly, caring, intelligent, diverse, and well rounded, sweetest people I know. DD has an aura that is soothing and calming. Whenever I have hung out with DD, I could always be my dopey, dingbat self without fear of judgment. I could write a post solely about just that – all of DD’s wonderful attributes and how great of a person he is. I thought those feelings were just a crush. But I realized they were much more: I had fallen in love with him…that gut-wrenching, loin-moistening, fairy-tale love.

I have no idea when I fell; however, I realized it when another friend posted a random question on Facebook: “If you could pick up and go somewhere today, where would you go?”  This was January 28, 2016.  Lots of people chimed in saying places like Tahiti; Paris; San Francisco; Mazatlan; Belize; and many other notable, hot vacation spots. You know what I said? Without even thinking about it or hesitating or batting an eye, I mentioned the small little town where DD lives. I won’t mention the name of the town because I don’t want to say anything more that might attribute this post to DD and identify who it is. But, it’s a little town in New Jersey with a population of just a little more than 15,000 – not very huge at all – and it’s a city most people have never heard of located in Hudson County – a serene and picturesque community. Even many people who live in the same state don’t know where in the hell this place is located. When the friend posed the question, he was just asking about going someplace for a few days on vacation; however, my mind was thinking of a permanent move. It was then I realized how much I had fallen for DD. I have never felt this way so quickly for someone with whom I had never been sexual. You know how sex can make you think you feel certain ways that may or may not be how you really feel. I was feeling that with without any sex. So, it was odd that I felt that way since we were never physical at all.

Well, when my birthday rolled around, DD and I hung out and he treated me to a show and then dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We laughed, reminisced, and talked about many things. DD asked me about my love life and whether I had been dating. I asked DD the same thing. We had some good dialogue on that topic. As the discussion unfolded, I was just about to express my feelings but the sky fell on my head when I said, “I actually want the next person I date to be just like you.”

DD thought that was hilarious, as he cracked up laughing hysterically. I’ve known him for seven years and have never seen him laugh so hard and vigorously. I couldn’t very well mention my crush, so I held it in. How could I say anything after that? I do not think he had any idea how crushed I was that he had a good laugh at my expense. I guess that’s why they call it a crush. He then said, as he continued to chuckle, “If I should run into anybody, I’ll introduce you.”  Of course DD is such a one-of-a-kind soul, it’ll be a cold day in hell before he runs into anyone who comes anywhere close. I later — several weeks later —  told DD I had this crush, and he claimed he had no clue, no idea, not any indication at all of my feelings. I found that difficult to believe. I don’t know how he was unaware, being such an intuitive person that he is. C’est la vie.

The little caveat to this all is, when I told DD I had a crush and that I had wanted to be more than friends, he declined. He declined saying, “You’re an amazing person and I love our friendship as it is, and I don’t want to risk jeopardizing it.”  I can understand that, however, I have found, in my humble opinion, that relationships with friends are far more rewarding and meaningful with people you know well. In fact, my three really close relationships — my only relationships — were with people I knew well and who knew me well. I prefer it that way because it makes the relationship much less effortless; additionally, if things should end, it makes the breakup so much better. Of the three, only one is the bane of my existence and I can’t say “good riddance” loudly enough.  lol   I find the strength of the friendship in the beginning is a good indicator of whether or not you remain friends when/if it ends. Not an absolute determinant, because if you’re a jerk, it won’t matter how well we know one another. But generally, I think friends make the best romantic partners. But, not everyone shares my viewpoint. DD is one of them. So, now here I sit, with my heart in my hand, confused and not knowing what to do.

As great a friend as he has been, I think I’d prefer to take a chance and embark on a romantic adventure with DD. I think hes too wonderful a man not to try and take that chance. Like Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  I think he had good foresight and must have known about DD, because I feel the same way. When DD declined, I sure wish I had said this to him. As an aside I’m reminded of the movie “You’ve Got Mail” and in particular, the scene when Kathleen is in her apartment after her encounter with Joe Fox at the Starbucks. She’s typing a message about the encounter: “an amazing thing happened — I was able, for the first time in my life, to say the exact thing I wanted to say…”  I wish I had had that ability, the ability to say the exact thing I wanted to say when DD and I talked about it. I would have risked it all.

Maybe one day DD will change his mind, because these feelings I have are just as strong as they ever were and are not likely to change anytime soon. I tried to tell myself that if I would just find reasons to be mad at or to hate DD, then it’d be easy to make those amorous feelings pass. The devil lied for sure. I keep looking for little things to find disagreeable about him, some reason for me to be pissed, but I can’t find any. I definitely do not think he walks on water, for he has some shortcomings like everybody else. But they’re nothing earth shattering. I believe, in spite of them, it would be a beautiful love affair. I’m not even looking to get married, but rather, just someone sweet and special with whom to spend time and look forward to.

Whenever other potential dates cross my path, I still think of DD. But that’s okay, though. I’m not like how Steve Urkel was toward Laura Winslow – or like Nikki Parker was toward Professor Oglevee. Steve and Nikki were very aggressively persistent and obsessive in a sickening way. I won’t disrespect DD that way; he’s too good a person. However the next time the subject of dating comes up, you can bet your sweet ass I’ll tell DD just like the song says, “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right. If being right means being without you, I’d rather live a wrong-doing life.”

About Will S.

A nouveau Taurus, writing about my view of the world around me. From politics, to social problem, to public corruption, music and movies to pretty much anything I feel inspired to write.
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